Off to Glastonbury? Check out my tips for Michelin Man chic

I am going to Glastonbury My Latest News next weekend, and I see from numerous magazines that I’m supposed to be sporting “a pageant appearance.” What’s “a pageant appearance”?


Round my way, and a pageant appearance is as a minimum three sweatshirts, a bad pair of jeans, lame wellingtons from the excessive avenue that leak because you have been too reasonably-priced to go, Hunter, hair that hasn’t been washed for 3 days, eyes that haven’t been close for four, and a palpable air of melancholy of ever seeing your property and, more importantly, your bed and indoor plumbing once more. Consistent with certain magazines de mode. However, a fashion appearance is a Galliano silk slip dress, a few Jimmy Choo wellies, Clubmaster sun shades, a Nicole Farhi headscarf, and a Stella McCartney parka. Or something.


We’ve got spoken often – oft, even – on this web page approximately the disjunct between the actual world and the only depicted in style magazines, and commonly in defense of the magazines. It would help if you had fact, go to a Ken Loach movie (in case your reality is mainly depressing, mind). You want attenuated ladies wearing clothes that feel more than all your worldly possessions? Come sit down through me.


I do protest – not an excessive amount of, however simply enough – in opposition to fashion shoots and articles that faux to have some form of practical intention; however, is absolute as divorced from reality as the maximum highfalutin of high fashion shoots. Examples of such articles consist of those which ask “style insiders” for their “excursion packing recommendations,” which tend to cognizance more on name-dropping one’s buddies and self-advertising than, you realize, packing tips (“My daylight cloth cabinet includes a Temperley London kaftan, £1,950,” Alice Temperley, Harper’s Bazaar.)


However, even the ones have their voyeuristic plus aspects. The “pageant-style recommendations” to which you refer haven’t any plus facets aside from proving that the writer has by no means been to a pageant or, indeed, out of doors, complete-prevent. Take it from a weathered veteran, my expensive Charlotte. There’s no “appearance.” There’s simplest “warm temperature” and “ease of disrobing for Portaloo emergencies,” and somewhere within the Venn diagram of these two considerations lies your pageant cloth wardrobe.

In my opinion, I locate this means a get dressed that you hate so much you do not mind ruining it, thick tights, socks, wellingtons (preferably of the non-leaking variety), as many sweatshirts as you may cram into your bag and – as the night time receives on – on your person, a massive parka with a hood. C’est Michelin Man sublime, non? And the final contact is a Monday morning set apart specially for detagging all snapshots on Fb of you on the pageant, so no one ever sees you searching like the Stay Puft marshmallow Guy from Ghostbusters.


Peaches Geldof was photographed these days swimming in what appears like huge granny knickers. Are massive knickers what the younger people are wearing nowadays? And are they swimming in them?


My pricey boy, looking to Peaches as a barometer of what “the younger folk” may additionally or may not be carrying is in reality corresponding to turning to Russell Logo for suggestions on the way to behave like an Englishman: a method assured to get you laughed, at and possibly slapped, with the aid of the very demographic you are trying to infiltrate.

My personal private suspicion is that while a few younger humans are carrying big knickers (contrary to any effect you may have gleaned from Nuts magazine and shoots concerning The Saturdays, now not all women spend their days in diamanté g-strings), most effective the sluggish ones are swimming in them. Once more, I turn to non-public enjoy here and could let you know that swimming in garments not intended to be swum in is, however, a short-time period answer with a purpose to result in lengthy-time period trouble.

You might properly suppose as you stand by the pool on a warm summer’s day, “Rattling, I have forgotten my suit. Oh, what the heck I will simply soar in wearing my get dressed. Garments, swimsuit – what’s the dif? I’m wild and spontaneous, me.” however garments take lots longer to dry than swimming costumes and for the ones few a laugh (if slightly horrifying – clothes additionally fill with lots extra water than swimsuits, main to a hasty and extremely undignified scrabble for the pool’s aspect) moments you’ll take a seat within the solar shivering for hours and hours until your clothes dry and, actually, they’ll never be the same once more. The shape of that get dressed? Totally ruined.